The Fast Food Wars Are Moving

After a long lapse in coverage the Fast Food Wars are now being moved to the Wackemall News Network--  home of Wackemall News and a division of  Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Wackemall.com, Leading no one and going nowhere fast....

All the Fast Food archives as well as the latest coverage of the Fast Food Wars will be found there along with Parking Meter Poetry, Billy's Page 3 Girls, Holidaze and more.



What Others Are Saying About Fast Food Wars

Coming soon, I hope. As soon as others start talking about it, if they start talking about it...

My Story:

I began documenting the Fast Food Wars several years ago as an embedded journalist, deep behind enemy lines, as part of the search for WMDs (Weapons of Mass Distraction.) But as fate would have it, I stumbled upon secrets the Main Stream Media and the publishing industry refused to make known so I took it upon myself to anonymously publish my first hand accounts to the Internet via third parties in the hope the World will someday know the truth.

When that didn't work I started a blog.

My dispatches lack a time line because of the often changing and circuitous routes the messengers must take in order to avoid detection. "Don't shoot the messenger" is not atypical in modern warfare. One messenger might get lucky and travel the world in days while another might take months. It's the same way when messages are relayed back to me. I once got word of an assassination attempt the day after it happened.

Don't bother trying to contact me as I remain the target of a fast food terrorist group known as Micky Ds, lead by a notorious red headed clown who has vowed to torture me and kill me with giant infusions of Cholesterol should they ever find me.

So I guess you're wondering why I post many of my reports in rhyming verse instead of the usual style? Simple really, the Colonel, the Clown and the King have never been able to crack the code and stop my dispatches before they're posted by friends and fellow freedom fries in constantly changing, undisclosed locations, hidden deep in areas outside of the control of colonels, clowns and kings.

That's right, while it may look to most that the King is on our side, his motives are just as deadly as the terrorist clown he battles. And the Colonel? He's a mercenary, a soldier of fortune, a gun for hire. You never know who's side he's on. When it comes to the Fast Food Wars, everyone is your enemy. There is no one you can trust lest you end up fried or taken down with a Sonic Blast, a Kid's Pack or any one of the dozens of WMDs they are known to keep in their arsenals.

Like me, your lives are on the line-- be afraid and think about my warnings each time you think about take-out.

About The Author, No, Really:

Billy is the author of several books, struggling inventor, environmentalist, mental case, a motorcycle tramp an avid motorcyclist and founding partner in StolenMotorcycle.net, a database designed to help in the return of stolen motorcycles.

Billy also writes
Wackemall, Billy's Two Wheeled Musings and More!
RecycleBill's RecycleBlog
Reindeer Tales

Doing The McCafe Shuffle

Calling In Flavors

Ronald was busy greenwashing when the King, he walked in,
saying, "What are you going to do? Wendy's in Japan
and now she's number 2.
You promised me, if I played your game
they'd all soon get in line
but things ain't working out that way--
your job is on the line!"

So the two of them, they plotted,
plotted all night through,
planning every little step--
just what they plan to do.
I listened in the best I could,
hoping I could defuse it
but just as things got juicy,
someone turned up the music!

What will the red headed clown and BK do next? How about the McCafe Shuffle?

Who Will Billy Eat Next?

Dear Angus, Where Are You Tonight?

A Thickburger came to visit.
A Fish Supreme came too.
They turned me on to Angus,
there’s nothing she’d not do.

“Too thick, too thick!” the Whoppers say,
“Call Arby, we’re coming to kick beef today.”

Curly Fry, she called her trashy,
said, “Angus, she’s a cow.”
But the wondrous things dear Angus did--
can’t talk about that now.

And Hardee played his guitar,
Ode To An Apple Pie,
while Thickburger and Fish Supreme
set ‘round getting high.

“Too thick, too thick!” the Whoppers say,
“Call Arby, we’re coming to kick beef today.”

And inside they’re selling tickets,
Busch Country, Water Gardens, USA.
Get your special offers here,
and “How can I help you today?”

But that was oh so long ago,
now Angus is a dream,
a memory I never had,
a reason for this theme.

“Too thick, too thick!” the Whoppers say,
“Call Arby, we’re coming to kick beef today.”

And if you see my Angus,
tell her, please come back home,
I’m hangin’ out with Hardee
singin’ ‘bout being alone.

And so the Fast Food Delights continue here at Fast Food Wars. Fast Food Poetry and exclusive coverage of the Fast Food Wars is made possible by anyone who is willing to pay me to go away.


I Can't Keep Doing This

Reporting on the Fast Food Wars is a lousy job. For starters, the pay sucks and the hours... Used to be the hours were okay but now that everyone is open late night and early for breakfast, there's no time the war isn't in full swing.

Then there's the fact that no matter how bad the war gets, no one believes it's real. That is, except for those who fried and they ain't talking. There's not a day goes by that I don't tell myself I should get a job flipping burgers somewhere. Problem is, who will tell the story if I don't?

I can't keep doing this but I can't quit.

Fast Food Networking?

Homegrown Cells

The Subway goes where no one goes--
over 35 thousand places,
always without the king's consent
and other fancy graces.
On railroad tracks and in submarines
they smuggle in the chips
until the Colonel makes the call
and the Kingdom finally flips.

When will it happen? I cannot say. But sooner or later the Burger King will fall, leaving behind the spoils to be fought over by the rest. Sometimes, a dictatorship, even with all its excesses, is kinder than the anarchy that brings about its fall.

We're Off To See The Wizard

Where’s The Beef?

Sir Shakes-A-Lot and The Duke of Doubt
picked up the Burger Thing,
saying, "We're off to see The Wizard of Fries.
We're gonna fry the King."

Mayor McCheese and Grimace
were waiting for them there.
"We're glad you finally came around.
Let's get a breath of air."

The whole night long they plotted--
plotted their revenge.
"The king will wish he'd kept us
and for his sins, BK will singe."

What's that old saying about being careful about who you step on while climbing to the top? Sorry, my memory escapes me now but one thing I do know is that 30 years is a long time to plot revenge. These guys must be really mad. And I'm guessing they know where the beef is.