Sonic Rules, Sonic Rues

"Get into the ring.
It's time for happy hour!"
The Sonic brought his Blaster.
It was he who held the power.
The Burger King stood trembling
and Ronald bowed to pray
as the tots came by on roller-skates
and hauled it all away!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the drive-thru.

Wackemall Therapy Services

The following is a paid advertisement. At least, we think we'll get paid.

When the white jacketed guys in the Wackemall Labs came to us with the idea that Wackemall Industries should be the first in the world to provide mental health services to vampires, werewolves, mummies, Batman and other nocturnal folk, we management types were a bit taken back but who are we to argue with the guys who made us $Billions with Barridogs and Barricats and $Trillions in a down economy with the Wackemcard. Even people thought our heroic founder, Veggie H Stalker was crazy when he invented the Wackemall Machete upon which the company was founded, made $Millions and won the war.

Besides, if anyone needs some therapy it's vampires, werewolves, mummies, Batman and other nocturnal folk-- wouldn't you agree?

So that why, starting August 1st, all Wackemall Industries locations will be open late night for therapy, psych evaluations, emergency services and counseling on an as needed basis. Cash, Credit Cards, Insurance, VA. major medical, Medicare and Medicate accepted. Sorry, we cannot accept Wackemcards at this time.

Editor's note: Why do all the guys in the Wackemall Labs wear jackets that fasten in the back?


What Others Are Saying About Fast Food Wars

Coming soon, I hope. As soon as others start talking about it, if they start talking about it...

My Story:

I began documenting the Fast Food Wars several years ago as an embedded journalist, deep behind enemy lines, as part of the search for WMDs (Weapons of Mass Distraction.) But as fate would have it, I stumbled upon secrets the Main Stream Media and the publishing industry refused to make known so I took it upon myself to anonymously publish my first hand accounts to the Internet via third parties in the hope the World will someday know the truth.

When that didn't work I started a blog.

My dispatches lack a time line because of the often changing and circuitous routes the messengers must take in order to avoid detection. "Don't shoot the messenger" is not atypical in modern warfare. One messenger might get lucky and travel the world in days while another might take months. It's the same way when messages are relayed back to me. I once got word of an assassination attempt the day after it happened.

Don't bother trying to contact me as I remain the target of a fast food terrorist group known as Micky Ds, lead by a notorious red headed clown who has vowed to torture me and kill me with giant infusions of Cholesterol should they ever find me.

So I guess you're wondering why I post many of my reports in rhyming verse instead of the usual style? Simple really, the Colonel, the Clown and the King have never been able to crack the code and stop my dispatches before they're posted by friends and fellow freedom fries in constantly changing, undisclosed locations, hidden deep in areas outside of the control of colonels, clowns and kings.

That's right, while it may look to most that the King is on our side, his motives are just as deadly as the terrorist clown he battles. And the Colonel? He's a mercenary, a soldier of fortune, a gun for hire. You never know who's side he's on. When it comes to the Fast Food Wars, everyone is your enemy. There is no one you can trust lest you end up fried or taken down with a Sonic Blast, a Kid's Pack or any one of the dozens of WMDs they are known to keep in their arsenals.

Like me, your lives are on the line-- be afraid and think about my warnings each time you think about take-out.

About The Author, No, Really:

Billy is the author of several books, struggling inventor, environmentalist, mental case, a motorcycle tramp an avid motorcyclist and founding partner in, a database designed to help in the return of stolen motorcycles.

Billy also writes
Wackemall, Billy's Two Wheeled Musings and More!
RecycleBill's RecycleBlog
Reindeer Tales

Fast Food Skates Past The King?

Freshville Follies

The King, he drove to Freshville--
found Sonic waiting there.
The tots sped past on roller skates.
Chill Thrills were everywhere.
He reached to push the button.
He's planned to mix it up
but Sonic double dogs the King
and Happy Hour erupts!


Drive-in Nightmares

Sonic Invasion

Sweet Potato Tots came knocking at my door
despite the fact I'd told her
not to come 'round her no more.
But no was not an answer
she'd come prepared to take
and what she told me in her sleep
will make the king awake...


Burgers On The Run

Death Of A Titan?

The hot dogs howled an eery howl
to indicate their chase,
Sonic tots in hot pursuit
could mean the final race.
The King, he ran, his fries all gone,
no one to fight his battles
while Starbucks laughed, "I'll rule the world.
The King, his brain is addled!"

What's this, a new player in the Fast Food Wars, amped-up and releasing the hounds to run down the now displaced monarch? Say it isn't so?

Disgruntled Fries

I have it on good authority that fries on both sides are scared. While it's true that millions of sandwiches have lost their lives in the Fast Food Wars, the numbers of fries who go down number many times that amount.

Earlier today, it was relayed to me directly from the front that fries are becoming disgruntled, angry and full of starch over hot, greasy and dangerous working conditions. Some are thought to have already abandoned the war effort while others are said to be planning violent overthrows of their respective leaders and franchise owners.

Stay tuned for up to the minute updates on the Fast Food Wars.